Writing
I'm sure this isn't just a me thing but I find it extremely difficult to say what I mean. Often I say too much or too little that the original thought I grew in my head has already been warped beyond comprehension by the time pen reaches paper. It's probably better if I just go 'screw it who cares how other people percieve me' but that is so much easier said than done.
An electrical pylon bent down and kissed me today. I was sitting in my room on my carpet, eyes closed, as if in a boundless field of summer grass. I'm not entirely sure how, perhaps out of want, but I slipped into this meditative state where I momentarily forgot where I was. It wasn't like, a full dream, like, I didn't see anything, I still heard the distant rumbling of cars in the back of my mind, however, the sensations and thoughts in the state I was in were more vivid than usual. In this "daydream" I was in this field of grass with massive metal pylons stretching for a long time. I said "hello" to the pylon I was facing. It said something like "hello, little one." I pretended I was startled by it's reply. I said: "can you tell me how to keep moving forward?". The gargantuan guardian considered for a moment. "perserverance and kindness. Can you tell me what that makes?". I thought for a while. I said: "hope? is that it?". "yes" said the pylon, "you must hold on to the hope that warms you. Hold onto it with all your might." Then, I think the pylon bent down. It kissed me on the forehead or face, I remember it was warm from the sun. Then it pulled away and I looked up and it was just what it was again. A pylon. I tried to reach my arms out in protest. But it remained still.
This morning I went on a hike with a friend in the trail by our house. I hadn't been there in quite some time and was surprised the see the swing that had previously been taken down had returned unscathed in a location not far from its original habitat. Today I felt that there is something missing. A looming cloud of either dread, emptiness, or both. Perhaps it is because most of my family is on vacation and here I am at home by choice. I probably shouldn't dwell too long on it, but I do wish I could talk to a certain someone. Today, I will watch the party streamers flutter by the sliding door and drink orange juice on the ground before I shower. Today I realized that I was dissociating more than I said I would but I think it's good that I even noticed it. I was just too lazy to zone back in and ground myself. It takes a lot of work to keep my feet on the ground (both figuratively and literally).
I'm feeling kind of stale this morning, or I guess a better word would be soft and squishy (three words). I'm in for a long, possibly lonely spring break. This morning I felt the urge to rewatch one of those 2020 moodboard things which led to playing the intro to worldstar money on loop for 30 minutes. It's probably not good to wallow in self pity the whole week so I wrote down a list of things I must do: