9/16/26
Following up on my radical announcement to absolutely no one about my blog possibly just exploding one day, I find it kind of freeing to not get caught up on preservation and constant backups. I am extremely neurotic. Let's make that clear. I'm always afraid of everything falling apart. I back up paragraphs of text that will go unused in my writings in case I need it later. I hoard objects because I know the moment I throw them out I'll suddenly need them again. Even in my dreams I am always trying to save something. Letting my blog just BE here in only this fragment of the web is liberating beyond measure. Sure, I'm now afraid to make it look pretty without logging the code, but I'm not going to do that anyway. This is a secret blog after all. Nobody got time to read all this crap anyways. This blog is for me and me in this place at this time, just to be.
What I didn't mention about my dreams is that I'm also always trying to fly away. From life, from pressures, from people, from my physical form, I am always running or flying in my dreams. Takes a hell of a Noelle Holiday kinnie to do that I guess.
But yeah, here's the proof I existed and am a real person I guess. There's some odd part of me that wants people (my friends and family not strangers) to read this blog so they can know me better. I'm not good at speaking. I'm not good at expressing my concerns verbally. Writing and drawing is how I interpret the world. Isn't it wonderful? How we get to be here right now? I feel like I'm dreaming. Maybe its some sleep deprived euphoria where my brain is too tuckered out to process emotions.
I don't need drugs to be feel that high bro. I'm living life right here right now and that is the most wonderful thing in the world. Even if it feels like hell sometimes, it just makes the moments of sweetness a little better. I know it's cheesy and I won't always feel this way, but let me sit in this feeling a little longer will you? It doesn't come around so often.
I was an angry little kid. I was and AM extremely sensitive so I would take things out on everyone and everything around me. I'm trying to surpress that anger but I've developed something like a victim complex where I feel like everything's out to get me when it's really not that deep. Anyhow, I'm done with my braindump. Goodnight reader and dreamer of the same kind. What does that even mean hahaha....?
9/13/26
I've decided to stop backing up this blog. Meaning I'm not gonna copy paste it in any private doc or server anymore. So if this page goes, this blog is gone forever! I've always been an obsessive hoarder. I hate throwing things out because inevitably I regret it later. But This is the blog that's ready to self destruct at any minute! How liberating!
I've been super busy these past few weeks with school starting back up again and now I feel bad for just lazing around on the weekends. I feel like I should at least be doing SOMETHING! But in the process of losing myself in the hubbub, I've forgotten how to slow down and enjoy life.
I've always wanted a penpal. In my personal diary, I often address my diary as if it were a close friend. I love you diary! Haha, I sound insane but it's like therapy for me! I write letters to the concept that is my personal diary. I will forever hold it dear for I can't say a lot of things I say to it.
It's weird because I keep noticing patterns and "motifs" in my life. One of them is letters and correspondence. I don't do it intentionally I promise, but whenever I pick up a new book, there's like an 80% chance that writing letters are somehow significant to the plot. I literally got recommended a romance Sci-fi book and what do ya know, letters! letters! letters! Every chapter, so to speak, ends with a letter. Whether it's embedded into a pair of goose feathers or the intenstines of a seal, the letters manifest. fleeting. like on the brink of death.
I'm actually writing my own story based around letters actually. Yes,,, stay tuned friends.
Another motif that I'm drawn to in books is motherhood. Which is weird because I've hardly ever felt maternal about anything. Well, that's a lie, I've felt this love towards my stuffed animals and small objects. Call me childish but I love them very much. Anyways, I'm going on a tangent. Books about motherhood hit me really hard for some reason. Like /Brood/(Jackie Polzin) for example, seeing the main character fail to save each of her fragile chickens from the elements and predators over and over is just so heartbreaking to me.
Anyways, I'd like to end this off like a letter of sorts. So take care-- if anyone out there is reading this. Take care and know that there is still good in the world.
yours(non-parasocially),
May
8/6/26
electrical pylons have always fascinated me. They are giants of the unfiction. There's something so otherworldly -extraterrestrial- and radical about them. You cannot climb inside and pilot them as humans do most everthing else. All you can --are allowed to-- do is sit at their ginormous metal feet and marvel at their geometric structure. Also, I had a dream where I fell into another dream but I only knew the dream dream was not real... I can also recall memories from earlier in the dream (albeit only briefly) while I'm dreaming. ???? am I becoming lucid ?????????
7/5/26
Hey. Once in a blue moon entry comin' at ya. I want to still have a blog but I don't like broadcasting myself to the public so I'll try to hide this better so only the true freaks and weirdos will find it. I'll also probably only post about my art and generally vague updates about my life because I hate to be so personal like that. but anyways, it's been a nice summer so far. I guess I stressed too much about not having anything to do because I'm actually doing fine! Deltarune chapter five came out, Artfight is still kicking, and I've made plenty of art this summer that I've been too tired to in previous years. Uh, I half picked up meditation. I don't really like sitting through guided meditations even though its a lot easier to do than on my own, so usually I only do it if I'm feeling super scattered or overwhelmed. Also, an update, I cannot open perfect tides anymore. I want to finish the game but its literally not letting me in. someone help.
Fourth of July
And because it is the Fourth of July I cannot tell if those beads of light are stars, lightning bugs or fireworks
For one, I feel the eggshell crackle of stars hang above my periphery
Two they, those holes in the night, dart feverishly like fireflies, in broken sync in the bog of summer
But I also hear the distant bumbling *kaboom* of fireworks, they spasm in my ears but never cease
Not until midnight at least.
But yeah, they’re fireworks.
Because stars, they’re too far, I can point and grasp at them but never reach
Bugs, too close, though they may be captured, their incessant buzzing, blinking bugging
But the light show, I can feel the smoke pooling in my lungs and their vibrant bursting psalms rings through my entire body until I am nothing but the one listening
Cicadas
Seventeen years, now you emerge
You leave your soil harbor
Spread your wings like tattered sails
And blow this world asunder
Brown abdomen, spring’s medicine
Humming Summer’s tune
Clung on concrete, sky’s a-bloomin’
To gravity, immune.
An army of wings, never ceasing
A choir of sunkissed eyes
Red as the tears inside them
You let out your battle cry:
Wzzzzzzzzwzzzzzzz
Your choir hisses and sounds
then the summer sun dips down
Your song dies, heavenbound
5/23/26
it's pretty weird doing an update right now. Too much has happened to condense into a single entry, and honestly I can't be bothered. I started playing Perfect Tides a bit ago. I relate to the MC quite a bit man. The writing in that game feels so real I can't explain it. They are human thoughts yaknow. I also finally finished Unstable Universe (at least up to the end of the director arc) and it has sent me down a deep writhing rabbithole of despair like holy moly man that hurt. I'm scared now that my interest is going to fade. This period of transition is always scary for me. Sometimes I wish I could just never lose interest in one thing and love it very much forever, but then I'd be a static character and despite how much it hurts sometimes, change is good. Growth is... good.
4/5/26
I'm sure this isn't just a me thing but I find it extremely difficult to say what I mean. Often I say too much or too little that the original thought I grew in my head has already been warped beyond comprehension by the time pen reaches paper. It's probably better if I just go 'screw it who cares how other people percieve me' but that is so much easier said than done.
4/2/26
This morning I went on a hike with a friend in the trail. I hadn't been there in quite some time and was surprised the see the swing that had previously been taken down had returned unscathed in a location not far from its original habitat. Today I felt that there is something missing. A looming cloud of either dread, emptiness, or both. Perhaps it is because most of my family is on vacation and here I am at home by choice. I probably shouldn't dwell too long on it, but I do wish I could talk to a certain someone. Today, I will watch the party streamers flutter and drink orange juice on the ground before I shower. Today I realized that I was dissociating more than I said I would but I think it's good that I even noticed it. I was just too lazy to zone back in and ground myself. It takes a lot of work to keep my feet on the ground (both figuratively and literally).
3/28/26
I'm feeling kind of stale this morning, or I guess a better word would be soft and squishy (three words). I'm in for a long, possibly lonely spring break. This morning I felt the urge to rewatch one of those 2020 moodboard things which led to playing the intro to worldstar money on loop for 30 minutes. It's probably not good to wallow in self pity the whole week so I wrote down a list of things I must do:
